February is such a short month. The runt of the litter even in her longest incarnation. All month, the brevity of February felt like it was looming over me, waiting for me to do something, to do all things. Mostly, February felt like it was chasing me. It felt like making your way up a rollercoaster, steady clicks ticking down the seconds, ticking away the time you’ve got left before a whoosh of effort drags you to the end, ready or not.

I have arrived here, at this place I’ve been talking about for the last half decade. I am at the point of doing the things, of making the effort, of chasing the dreams I’ve talked about for so, so long, but sometimes the weight of it is a bit too heavy to bear. Sometimes the best I can do is retreat to my bed, throw the covers over my head and hide. Sometimes the questions get to be too much, the questions about how and why and when, the questions that I don’t even have the answers to, not fully, not yet.

Still, February wasn’t a total loss.

• I ran a lot good amount of miles in February, all in preparation for what will be the last half marathon of my 30s. Already running seems to be sparking more joy this year than it did last year.
• I started Zoloft to help manage my anxiety. After 20 years in the military and losing a lot of friends to suicide, I feel pretty strongly that being transparent about mental health issues and struggles can pay dividends for changing the negative narrative around seeking help.
• I ate oysters! For the last many decades, I’ve said I don’t eat sea creatures. But I’m almost 40 and now seems like a good a time as any to start trying new things.
• I hosted a nacho-centric Galentine’s Day, as is tradition. Along with Thanksgiving, it is one of my most favorite holidays.
• I saw my cousin’s band play with a handful of friends. It’s been a long time since I watched a local band play and, in being there, I realized how much I missed it.

etc.

I only read two books in February, mostly because I’m focusing on other things. The other things are very worthwhile, but I’d also really like to find a better balance. I read The Fury by Alex Michaelides, and I Have Some Questions for You by Rebecca Makka, and I enjoyed both.

The best thing I watched was The Traitors, it’s ridiculous and brilliant. The best thing I made was bread with jalapeño and cheddar and if you want my bread recipe, I will share it because it is amazing and so much easier than you think it is.

What was the best part of your month?

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